I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
