I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
