I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
