This house was built for laser tag.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
