I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
