Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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