look no pants
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
