i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
