I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
