I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize