I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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