Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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