you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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