nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
