i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is an equal opportunity slut.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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