im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize