my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My breasts were aching with rage.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
