just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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