You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
