i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
