Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
