I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
