there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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