i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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