Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
