i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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