My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
