I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize