Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
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the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
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I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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