I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
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Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
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