I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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