my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Randomize
