Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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