I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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