and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
