Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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