My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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