when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just tell him i said nine months
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
