His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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