it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
im drinking this country out of the recession.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
