you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Boobs speak an international language.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
