so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
