i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
