I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
