I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
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We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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