This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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