I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
