So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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