I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
porn star boner night. come get it.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I have fence marks all over my body
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
