I looked at my own cervix.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
