Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
