Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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