I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
