So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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