last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
In America we eat man semen.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
